life is good.

Have you every been stuck under a wave, you get sucked in and you are being swirled around and disoriented. Its very dark and you feel a sense of anxiety, like you are never going to come out? That is how I have felt for a good 2 years. I can tell you now though, that I finally found the sufface. I took that large, deep, fill your lungs with air breath and felt my heart beat again. I am happy, peaceful, wake up smiling, comfortable. I am somewhere where I have never been, or least don't remember. I have everything I could want right now...

I love my house. I have almost finished decorating it. It has a vintage feminine feel to it. Its my house with my things and its everything that could possibly reflect me and my sense of decor. I especially love my lamp.

My daughter is brilliant and beautiful. She says things to me that make me giggle and then make me wonder how a 3 year old could possibly come up with something so funny. She is girly and thinks she is a princess and she is. She sneaks in my room every night and I dont mind it. I love her.

My boyfriend and I are great. We have reached a stage where we are just enjoying eachother. We have become confortable to a great degree, not a comfortable where it isnt fun anymore. He keeps me on my toes, keeps my interested. He is unlike anyone ive dated. <3

I have had a break away from my normal job and have been covering in a different position, a position I hope to someday have. I enjoy coming to work everyday. I enjoy being surrounded by positivity. I enjoying being in the faces of the big-wigs of the company and making a name for myself.

Life is good.

2nd Best Friend.

I am the friend who you call when you need advice. I am the friend you call when you got a promotion and I am the friend who will be the first one to celebrate with you. I am the friend who will bake you cupcakes and we arent even that close. I am the friend who will drop everything I am doing including sleep because you have a flat tire. I am the friend that helps your boyfriend plan your engagement or helps you plan your wedding. I am the first that you call when a family member dies or the love of your life breaks up with you. I am the first to be there when something happens and the last to leave. I will be there the whole time you are in labor with your first baby and even wait in the hallway if I have to.

I am also the friend that never gets called your best friend. I am the first that gets no credit. I am the friend you wont ask to be your maid of honor. I am the friend that you will talk to about all your other friends but the other friends are your sisters. I am the friend who gets taken advantage of and gets talked about.

I am sick of not getting any credit where credit is due. Is this other girl really your best friend? Do you talk to her everyday? Does she help you? Are you a high priority in her life? NO, and I know that because I have been there everytime these girls dont pull through for you. It's bullshit. I'm over it.

I know im not that easy of a girl to deal with and I am so thankful for the people that I consider my best friends. I do tell them I am thankful as often as I can. I apriciate them all more than they even know. All of them have helped my tremendously in all the ways they can. I do not want to seem like i dont appriciate the things they have done for me because that is not the case at all. My point is I am sick of being second best in everyones eyes when I am the one who is always there for them. I give my friends credit for everything, I just dont feel like I get any in return.

After 7 months...what's another week?

The deployment is reaching its end. It has been 6 months and 2 days, 26 weeks, 186 days since they have left. With that much time passing, nothing has changed. I am still just as excited about me and him as I was when he left. I am just as aprehensive, nervous, anxious as well. I have really used these months, weeks, days to reflect on myself and my life. I have done a lot of growing as a person and a mother and I think I am ready for them to come home. I can realize now that I wasn't ready for a relationship but I was ready for what I got. I'm not saying either that Dane will come home and we will be in a relationship, this is where the aprehension comes along. I am just ready for whatever happens. Either way I needed that forced seperation and time to be alone.

I have come along with the moving process as well. I have sold everything in my house now, minus mine and Ashlynn's bedroom. Coinsciding with selling everything I have been buying all new things for my house, down to new dishes and towels. I am excited for my fresh start. I have enjoyed this process as well. There have been a couple anxiety moments but I think these sprout from the unfamilularity of this experience. I will post pictures once I move and get settled in.

I just realized I don'd write about Ashlynn that often. Ashlynn is amazing, and this is nothing new. She is my everything. I find myself doing things just to be close to her, like enabling the sleeping with me in my bed. Its the best feeling in your heart to have YOUR baby laying next to you completely at peace and you get to watch her sleep. Shes so pretty too. I know every mom thinks that but its the little things that I think make her beautiful, like her eyelashes that go half way down her cheeks when she closes her eyes and her belly that she sticks out just far enough to make her look like a pot belly pig. It's also the deep brown eyes that she inherited and the way her hair has a curl to it that develops no pattern. I love my Ashlynn. She is smart and well manored and is everything I could have ever asked for.

Time Marches On....

It's August 2nd and before you know it I will be in my new apartment, have been to 2 weddings, and Dane will be home. I can't explain the state of calm I am in now. I have found a place to live and am semi-stress free ( lord knows I will never be completely stress free). The new battle is going to be selling all my house hold furniture because mine will not fit in my new apartment. I can look at this in 2 ways, I can be stressed because that means I have to be able to sell everything and also find all new things OR I get to decorate an entire house the way I want! I choose option 2. I am selling a sectional, coffee table and end tables, and a dining room table. Shouldn't be that hard considering all my stuff is very nice. I think selling everything will make moving easier as well. Eventually everything in my house will be everything I ever wanted, including a new computer and TV for the living room. I feel like I am starting my life over. This is my second chance. This is my house, with my furniture and my decor. This will not reflect any past relationships, or hand me downs. It will relect me and my sense of stle and my life with my daughter moving forward...Time Marches on.

Single Mother

Although being a mother is amazing and I wouldn't trade it in for the world, there are times that I am left in my room sobbing. Last night was one of these nights. It is embarrassing to say that a 2 year old can hurt my feelings but Ashlynn is my child and I am sensative to our relationship.

As it sometimes happens, living in a split household, Ashlynn wasn't having it being at "Mommy's" house last night. Every so ofter when I pick her up from school she is dissapointed by the fact that I am not her dad. Most of the time it only lasts a minute or two and we get to my house and everything is fine. Yesterday Ashlynn was really wanting to be with her dad and the tears remained for hours. I finally gave in and drove her to her dads work to spend an hour with him while I ran to Target. When I picked her back up she was extremely upset and proceeded to tell me she doesn't like Mommy and Mommy is mean. I dont know what I have done to be the mean parent but it hurts my heart to hear my child tell me she would rather be with her Dad. I am doing the best I can do to be a parent and it really digs deep when she tells me things like this. I know she is a toddler but its something I never want to hear from someone I love so much. What sucks even more is that I understand why she likes her dads more. When he is with her it's fun time vs. my house is time for dinner bath and bed time. ( He has her on his days off and I have her during the week.) I am glad Ashlynn has this relationship with her father but it's probably something I will never understand due to the lack of relationship I have had with my own father. The only thing I can give Ashlynn is love the way I know how to give her love and I will continue on giving her love until the day I die.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

How strange that everything is going so well still. I read back on my blog and saw that I wrote that everything is going well and I hoped it lasted...well it has. I have had a couple bumps in the road, like my roomate bailing out on me and the never ending battle with money, but I am pressing on and life is good. How strange that Dane and the boys will be home in 10 weeks from Monday. Life in general is so much busier when they are home and it is much more exciting. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the boy. It either happens or it doesn't and either way it will be fine (at least this is what I try and tell myself). I am still getting remarks about me waiting for him. I understand everyone has an opinion of their own, trust me I am the queen of giving my opinion, but obviously its not making a difference so you would think they would drop it by now. Not ONE of my friends can say they have never done something that sounded crazy to everyone else but made sense to them. I wish they would understand that I am a grown woman and have lived enough to know what makes me happy and what the best decisions for that happiness are.

My dad is out of prison and so far so good. He is establishing his life and his relationships. He has made mends with my little sister, Mickaella's, mom. He bought a truck from my uncle and will be getting an apartment soon. He is making me nervous by seeing Nina, his ex. She is toxic. They had the most unhealthy relationship, in more ways than one. I will hopefully be visiting him soon. I need to see him and overwhelm him with love so he knows what he will be missing if he falls back to drugs. He made a point the other day to tell me I dont know him at all, and truth is I dont. Even though I spent every summer with him and the family, I never have met my father. I have only met my dad on drugs. I am excited to see this man that everyone speaks so highly of.

Moving is still in the works. I will be living by myself and am looking for places. I can't afford much so it is making looking a little harder but I will find something. I want to sell everything I own and start fresh, I wish that was realistic. Maybe it will be if I play my cards right and stop buying coffee every morning. I need to invest in a coffee maker.

Oh....and I have lost 6lbs.

happenings

So I have planned for an entire calendar year on going to my family reunion....it'd not gonna happen. Financially I need to be smart and pay off things and get ready for the big move. I am so nervous about this getting a roomate thing. I hate having to rely on anyone but myself. It is going to be weird sharing my living space with someone again. It has been 2 years since I have lived with anyone but Ashlynn. I am excited though too. It will nice to have an adult to talk to. It will also be nice to have some help keeping a house clean and paying the bills! I love the girl who is going to be rooming with me too. Time is flying! I feel like it was just yesterday that I was saying bye to Dane and now I have 3 months left and a busy 3 months at that! I have to find a place, pack my house and move....then he is home. Hooray!

25 Facts about me.

1.I am a mother.

2.I cry a lot.

3.I love to "save" people

4.I don't have any problems with voicing my opinion (but have been learning to keep my mouth shut unless asked )

5. I used to hate my mom and now she is one of my best friends.

6. My dad is in prison.

7. I have 2 siblings soon to be 3 and I only claim one.

8. I am very forgiving.

9. I know everything about pregnancy. It facinates me.

10.I hate Las Vegas but can't find the strength to leave.

11. I have multiple best friends, but they are all my best friends in very different ways.

12. I have had my heart broken.

13. I have lived on my own since I was 17 years old.

14. I have joint custody with my daughters father.

15. I always knew I was going to be a young mother.

16. I talk to my cousin Hailey every single day.

17. I change my mind about things on a daily basis.

18. I may have a shopping problem.

19. I love weddings.

20. I normally don't stay single long.

21. I am extremely loyal.

22. I re-decorate my room frequently.

23. My eyes water everytime I laugh.

24. I plan my halloween costume for the next year the day after halloween.

25. I love country music.

15 weeks and counting

What a rollercoaster of emotions. Everyday I feel something completely different from the day before. This has really become a test for me. I like to think I am a strong willed person, but I don't know how strong I think I am anymore. I am eager to see what comes from this waiting. I have high hopes, don't I always. I am trying to not expect too much from this but I am afraid if I do that I will not be %100 me. It's hard to concentrate on everything lately too. There are too many distractions. I need to get my head straight. I can't wait to kiss him or be kissed. It has been so long since I have been kissed. It's funny how much you can enjoy something as small as a kiss. And skin, I miss skin on skin contact. I am not talking about sex, I am just talking about physical contact. I can't wait until 15 weeks is over to see what happens. I wish I could just flash forward and see. I feel like I am really putting myself out on there to get hurt and I swore I wouldn't do that again. What can I say, I'm a sucker for DANEger. ;)

Writers Block

I never know what to write on here. I guess its not only with my blogging but what to write to my dad or write to Dane. I can think lately. I don't know whats wrong with my brain. Life has been good to me lately. I hit a bump with Ashlynn's dad and child support but we worked it out. Work is going fine, been here 2 yrs in July! Dane is good, got a call from him the other morning. It's nice to be able to talk to him when I haven't been drinking and can actually remember the conversations. 17 weeks from Monday until he is home! Yay! The closer it gets the more nervous I get. Silly right? I guess I am just nervous that he is going to come home and change his mind about me. I am getting fat again while he is getting skinny ugh. I can't seem to get motivated either. Infact I can't get motivated for ANYTHING. My house is a mess and I have been super lazy lately. I need to step it up! Let's see.... My little brother is a mess. I don't know how to help him and it makes me very upset. I wish I had the money to go visit him. I know he is upset with this whole Dad being in prision thing. The sad reality is, Im used to being dissapointed in my father so it doesnt affect me the same as Caden. I feel so bad for him, it makes my heart hurt. I am also hearing about another family member slipping into drug use. Makes me want to shake her. She is a beautiful, once successful woman and hit a bump in the road and turned to drugs. If I truned to drugs everytime something happend to me I would be just like my father. I wish I could save her, I hate not being able to help people. There is nothing I can do for her though, she needs to want to be clean for herself and her son. I have a pretty amazing family though, and they have already dove right into her issue and are helping the best they can. I have been to the point where you feel like you are always sad and I feel for her. Well.... thats it for now.

It's getting hard. What does "waiting for someone" even mean. It's not like we had some detailed contract written up. It's because I never talk to him, that it's getting hard. I havent talked to him in almost a week. When you can't hear their voice and be reminded they are still thinking about you, you start to forget. The worst part is even when I do talk to him its not like we are even being mushy and saying anything remotely endearing. We are not to that point, we are not even dating. I am "waiting" to date him? I know I am just at a low point of this rollercoaster I am on and when he does call I will be right back on top, but today it's hard. I'm the kind of girl that needs to be reminded that you care. Maybe that makes me a little high maintanace but I figure all the other things that I don't bitch about makes being reminded not that big of a deal. He's the type of guy who won't remind. He's not a feelings type of guy and this was made a point from the get go. I know this all stems from my own insecurities and they are things I need to get over, but doesn't every girl want to hear some kind of positive reinforcement every once and a while...especially when I am taking 6 months out of the dating life to wait to date you first? I'm done ranting. I need to suck it up. This was my own doing and I WILL be stronger. The end.

catch up

Lets catch up....
I have been working and not doing much with my life. I have been hanging out with Bailey and her boyfriend Dustin (also roomates to the Dane) on the weekends and with my baby girl on the week days. we celebrated Baileys b-day on the 19th of March at a bar, it ended up with Bailey and Dustin fighting and me passing out in Dane's bed (remember he is not here he is in Afghanistan and I am waiting for him). The next weekend after that I got my wisdom teeth out, which leads to the pain I am still in today. I got an infection AND a dry socket. BLAH. I have felt uber shitty but have my follow up on Monday and hopefully they can make me feel better. I have been kinda down lately, or more or less lonely. It's not that he is gone it just that I dont have any male in my life at all for the first time in a very long time. I am not used to not having any type of male attention. Im the kind of person that doesn't let one go until I have a new interest. It's horrible I know but thats just me. I can't do that now because I have an interest he just won't be back until Sept/Oct and it sucks. I will get through it. I am also fat. I have gained 8 pounds since he has left, yes I said 8. That is unacceptable....so I went to Walmart first thing this morning and got the full load of Slim Fast products and I am DETERMINED. I will loose 10 pounds and I will start working out at least 2 days a week. Oh and yesterday I had to be a hero and go save my friend because her boyfriend wrestled her down to the ground to get the keys out of her hands to leave becasue she found out he is cheating on her and she slapped him. Why is that a big deal...well because she is pregnant. Oh and not only is he cheating but he was talking to 13 girls! She went through his phone bill and found 13 diffrent girls phone numbers that he was calling and texting while she was sleeping or not home. Bastard. Makes me angry just typing it. Even more upsetting is that she is giving him another chance. ugh. Hmmm what else....Me and my Dad have been writing back and forth ( he is in prison). I guess they sent him to some rehabilitation program, which is great because he needs it. I pray to god he can find strength to stay clean this time. Well thats about it....thats me and you are caught up.

Sad Story.

So I had this friend. She was a very good friend,in fact one of the best, that I thought would be for life. We met in high school and partied together a couple times. We clicked instantly but lost contact. A few years after graduation we got into contact again and became super close. We were there for eachother through some of the most important parts of eachtothers lives. I was there through her marriages beginning and both the births of her children. We were pregnant together in fact. I was pregnant with my first and she was pregnant with her 2nd. She was there for me through my life altering break up from my daughters father and the ups and downs after that. I was also there for her through her failing marriage and through her divorce. Even though we went through all of this together, we are no longer friends. Why you ask? Because the man she divorced and always said was a liar told her we hang out and she choose this one time to believe him? He tells her me and him hang out and whatever else...this is CRAZINESS! First off, she was one of my very best friends and if I was her friend at all she would have never thought so little of me. Second, I never got along with him so why in gods name would I choose now to hang out with him alone. Third the only time that I have interaction with her ex-husband is if there is a party, group dinner, or a friends get together. Her ex-husband is best friends with my best friends boyfriend. We hang out in the same circle. I am with my best friend every weekend and am involved with one of the boys he hangs out with. I can't help that he is friends with all of my friends. What sucks the most is that she chooses this one time in her life to believe his bullshit. He is obviously telling her this crap to upset her and it worked. I tried to tell her I missed her and she called me a back stabbing bitch. I wasn't a backstabbing bitch when I was giving you all the divorce advice or when you needed someone to talk to! I have NEVER fucked over a friend in my entire life. I gave up on our friendship after that conversation. Maybe its not me who is the one that has changed, maybe its her. Sad story.

Sitting WAITING Wishing...

So I finally asked him. I debated for days wether I should say something or leave it alone...but Bailey helped me see the correct choice. So I asked him...

He was just a friend. We partied with our tight group of friends every weekend for, especially the last 6 months.Then 2 weeks before he left for Afghanistan "we" happend. I wasn't sure if this was a casual thing or if feelings were going to get involved but I went with it. I was sure it was going to be casual because with his history of girls recently I was just sure we were going to be casual. We didn't up being very casual. I like him and he likes me. Go figure. He left 2 weeks ago today. So here I was wondering now what. Am I waiting for him? Does he want me to wait for him? Does he consider me for something serious or was it just casual? I needed some kind of answer before I waited 27 more weeks for nothing.....

The conclusion....I am waiting for him. :)

Mess up my bed with me....

I saw Dear John with Carolyn this past weekend. It was very cute. There is a song called Paperweight that plays throughout the movie. It's one of those songs that instantly have you hooked. I have listed to it repeadly everyday since. It puts me in this lovey dovey reminisant moods. There is another song on the soundtrack that I really like too. I wish I could play the guitar so I could play the song and sing it acusticly. Its called Little House. The girl from the movie actually sings the song. My cousin Hailey could probably sing this song very well. I miss her. She's my best friend. I talk to here every single day. When I don't talk to her I feel like something is missing. I really wish we lived near eachother. I actually wish I lived near my Dad's side of the family. I miss them all and I have never had a chance to be near them. I have a million cousins and we area ll very close in age. I would totally move but I have too much going on with life in Vegas. Well...I dont have much else. I am still happy and things are still good. It's very out of the ordinary for me and I am enjoying it.

Im happy.

It's been a long rollercoaster of emotions since the break up of Ashlynn's dad, Steven, and I. This rollercoaster wasn't just him it was since him. I have been damaged goods since the break up. I was devestated and this leaked into other parts of my life. I had 3 more failed relationships since him, only 1 I actually took seriously and I was just generally unhappy. Times have changed. I am single and alone and for the first time I am happier alone then not. I can actually say I'm ok to someone and not be lying. I know this because I don't have that knot at the bottom of my stomach anymore. I got 3 tickets in 1 month and didn't have a melt down. My friend backed into my car and I didn't freak out. It's amazing. I am taking this time to work on me and who I am and its working. I feel so diffrent. I have been doing good at work as well. I got a letter from the VP of the company praising me for the good work I have been doing. That letter was much appreciated. Oh and you know whats even better...when someone tells me about Steven and his wife and the things that they say about me and I am unaffected. You have no idea what kind of feeling that is. For so long everything they did affected every part of my life and now it's nothing. He is nothing and they are nothing. I have a great daughter, whom is my entire life, and an apartment all to myself, a great brand new car ( with a dent lol) and I am happy. So to all of you out there who have taken part in my unhappiness, let me be happy because I am really enjoying this unfamilar feeling.

San Diego

I went on a road trip this weekend. I was accomanied by Bailey and the boys (clayton, meezy, kenny bo & danger). The trip was ....let's say....unforgettable. It started off with a fun car ride there, girls in my car and the boys in matt's truck. We got to the hotel around 11pm. Our hotel was beautiful. We stayed in downtown San Diego, right by Gaslamp. For those of you that don't know, Gaslamp is a street lined with bars and resturants. We got to our rooms, me bailey clatyon and kenny-bo in one room and meezy and danger in another. We all got ready quickly and headed out to the bars. We went to three bars that night and let me just tell you not one person came back to the room anywhere close to sober. We were a hot mess. I took a shower fully clothed in Danger and Meezy's room just for fun. Bailey and Clayton got into a drunken fight. Meezy was creepin on me. Kenny-bo was somewhere in between bouncing from Danger/Meezy's room to our room. Danger passed out. Then kenny-bo was creepin on me. Like I said...hot mess. The next day we all woke up too early and got ready to go to Seaworld. When we got there Kenny-bo, Danger and Meezy came up with the great idea to rent handi-capped scooters so they wouldn't have to walk all day. So they did and it was hilarious. Here these asses were riding on their scooters pissin people off because they were obviously not handi-capped sippin on Budlight for the entire day while us 3 left over walked. We ended up being the idiots. By the end of the day I would have much rather been on the damn scooters. We left Seaworld and went back to the hotel with a 30 min window to get ready. When we were all finished getting dressed up, we rounded up the possy adding 2 more people, Mike and Brianna. ( They are a couple). We walked far this night. We went to sushi and then to a cowboy bar. For some reason this night didn't end up AS good as the night before but it was still fun. Meezy was a pest that night and got on everyone's nervs. I drank but could't get drunk along with danger. Brianna got too drunk and got her feelings hurt by me and left with Mike. Bailey and Clayton left before us. We lost Kenny-bo and Meezy so it was me and Danger. We walked several blocks back to the hotel and I ended up in Meezy's and Dangers room again. Don't worry...nothing happend even though it should have. Meezy made it a point to make it impossible for anything to happen between me and danger. The next day everyone was exhausted and not feeling great. We went to breakfast at this cute little breakfast place in gaslamp and I started to get a stomach ache. After we left there we went back to the room and got ready to go to the beach. We walked down the packed side walk by the beach until Bailey and I decided it was time to go relax in the sand. The boys agreed to come and said they were just going to grab a beer at a bar. They didn't come back. We went to find them and ended up going back to the bar they just came from. We hung out there for a while but I was still not feeling good and everyone was tired and hungry. It was back to the room again. We didn't really get too ready this time as everyone was tired and walked to this resturaunt Clayton picked. We gave them our name and number and they said they would call our cell when the table was ready so we went next door to the piano bar. This place was awesome. The pianists made the place super fun and interacted with the audience by playing these dating games for the single people there. 2 hours went by and still no call from the resturant. Finally Clayton goes over there and they say 30 more mins, and they never had our name down the first time. Ugh. I was not happy and by this point my stomach was really hurting. Finally we get the table for dinner and Meezy and Kenny-bo decided they are just gonna stay at the bar. Dinner was relaxing and very tasty but I was starting to be in some serious pain now. The night was over. Bailey, Clayton, Dane and me went back to our room and chatted while I tried to make myself feel better in everyway I could think. Sleeping was going to be the only solution and by this time it was about 12:30am. We all go to bed until we get a bang on the door sometime around 2ish im guessing. Meezy comes in claiming he almost died, while he was attacked by some children who were trying to steal his Iphone. He was wasted. He was now pissed off because we told him to go to bed and the drama scene began. This went on until 3ish and I went to bed with Danger in the other room because I had to leave at 5 am to get to work on time. When 5 rolled around I was miserable. I got my shit and left with no shower no nothin. I was exhausted the whole way home. I had to pull over 2 times for cat naps because I really thought I wasn't going to make it and managed to get 2 speeding tickets in the process of the trip home.

All in all though. It was definately worth it. I haven't laughed that hard, smiled that much, and felt that peaceful in so long.

It only takes one boyfriend to make you realize you deserve so much more....in my case 10.

I am so sick of these guys who think that they are better than you and treat you like shit. I have a case of the asshole ex-boyfriends and I mean all of them. The worst part is when I was started talking to them, and I mean most of them, I had to talk myself into dating them, to give a nice guy a chance. Now these guys that I didn't like in the first place and I knew I was too good for are acting like they are the shit? What is wrong with this picture? You are not SHIT! Trust me! I had a boyfriend intervention on my birthday from all my friends telling me why are you dating such losers? Obviously I am not the only one who thinks so. I may not live in a nice place and I may be a single mom at the age of 23 but... I havent been a drug addict... I dont live with mommy...I dont have a fucked up grill... I own my own brand new car... I don't cheat on my spouse... I dont act like I have a hot body when I dont...Im not a liar....I haven't been to prision. I am better than you guys. I knew better and I took a chance on YOU not the other way around. I don't care if this makes me a bitch. I don't care anymore because I don't care about you. I have learned my lesson. I will no longer lower my standards for anyone. I will no longer take a chance on anyone. I will get what I deserve and so will you.

Not so chill weekend.

I went into this weekend planning on it being calm, maybe catching up on some sleep and not partying. This is far from what happend.
I dropped Ashlynn off with her dad at 4:00pm and went to wind down by window shopping at RC Willeys. When I left there I went home and started to get ready, I forgot that I already RSVP'd for Mariko's UFC party. I got ready faster than I planned, which always happens, and called Bailey to see if I could just come over there and we could all drive together since I figured I would end up at Bailey's anyways after Marikos. So anyways, I get Bailey and Dustin and we go to Mariko's, get a tour of her rediculous 3 story high rise home and watch the fight. We left before the main fight because we already knew who won and decided to go home. When we got there thats when the alcohol took over. We drank that night until 5:30am. The night consisted of hours of shit talking sessions... beer pong... more gossip.. beer pong...spying on Dane while he banged some nasty and then some one on one beer pong with Kenny because we were too drunk to realize no one else was in the room. When I fell asleep on Bailey's kitchen counters everyone decided to look at the time. This is when we realized it was bed time. I went to sleep in Kenny's bed ( Kenny is like a brother to me) and passed out quickly. It was around 7:30 am when Kenny decided to shift his sleeping position to completely sideways and spralled on the bed that I was forced to find a new sleeping place. I went down stairs and slept for an hour on the love seat before I was awake again. I heard the 2 rando's from the night before upstairs awake and went to see what they were doing. They were just up there being weird and having strange conversations. I went back down and decided to play some Wii. I played for hours until my thumbs hurt. By this time the house started waking up and began planning the Superbowl feast, or as the boys would call " a man's thanksgiving". That night for Superbowl, Colts vs Saints, we had ranch style burgers, amazing spicy chips and dip, homemade french fry things, deviled eggs ( made by me ), brots, beans, and cheesecake. After the Saints beat the Colts and our food settled one of the boys decided to play this new dancing game they just got. It was SO much fun. It's a serious cardio work out and for some reason the guys were beating me with their scores everytime. After getting sweaty, it was time to leave. I drove my 40 minute drive home from Baileys, checked Facebook and went to bed. Now its Monday and I am exhausted.

Black Magic

I bought a new car last night. My lease was almost up and I was over my mileage so I decided it was time. The process was stressful for me. I am the worst at making decisions so actually deciding what car I liked what the worst part. I drove around for months with my eyes on other peoples cars. Finally, I narrowed it down to Nissan ( the brand in general), Toyota Corollas and Jettas ( which would make it my 4Th jetta). So from there I went and test drove cars on Wednesday. I asked to leave work an hour early that day because I was very anxious and I knew Steven ( Ashlynn's sperm donor) would only be able to keep her for a couple hours at his work. I started at Nissan first. I got this sales man who had only been there 7 days and had no idea what he was doing and not very much about the product. I worked in the car business from 2005-2007 at several dealerships and Ashlynn's dad was in the business for much longer. Needless to say this was annoying but I tried to be understanding of this "green pea" as the car world would call him. We test drove a Sentra, YUCK! Then we drove a used Altima which was nice but I knew Bailey ( my best friend) would kill me because it was the exact car she was looking for, which now she is going to test drive since I didn't like it. After that I went to VW where I bought my 07 Jetta. I loved that car. It was the exact car from that movie Knocked up. Red with Tan leather interior. Anyways, I looked around but they didn't have crap in their used vehicle section and I wasn't getting talked into a brand new vehicle. After I left there I snuck across the street to Toyota. That is where I found Black Magic. My new car was right there. I drove it and loved it and then came the stress. I talked numbers with them but knew I wasn't going to buy it that night from them. The next day I stressed, working numbers, all day. I called Steven at least 6 times asking advice and not getting much back. I thought I had it figured out and told Steven what my decision was. This is where he finally stepped in. I went to VW, they brought the car over there and bought the car from Steve's long time friend Farris. It's nice knowing your not getting completely raped from the dealership. I know they made some money on me, it's bound to happen, but its much better than buying from someone you do not know or trust.

Ashlynn loves that car. She calls it "Mommy's Black". The car is black but a weird shade of black. It is almost like a charcoal grey but is black with sparkles in it. My friend Anthony asked me today what I am going to name my car. I tried to think of something clever but I couldn't think of anything smart ass to say, which is rare. I text him back black magic, the named color of my car, black for short. OH! I forgot to mention one more thing. It's stick shift :)

Welcome to Kelsie's World

I have heard about these blogs and never understood the hype. I read my first blog the other day, which is an entire diffrent story, and decided its a great way to stay connected. Maybe it's not just a way to stay connected, maybe it's just a way to express your feelings...like writing a journal I guess. So, I gave in. I'm going to start a blog. My mom always said she should publish a book about her life called " Welcome to Michelle's World" because the strangest most unlikely things happen to her and Im starting to feel like I am taking that path. My life so far has been anything short of norm. For those who do not know me, let me brief you on my life so far ( I will make this as short as possible).

I grew up in Washington state with my mother and step father ( Ron) and went to visit my dad, step mother ( Kim) , step brother ( Adam) and baby brother( Caden) every other weekend. Mom and dad split when I was 2 and I will never know the real reason why. Everything changed when my Dad developed a very hard drug problem and ruined his relationship with his wife (kim) and moved to Idaho where the drugs continued. In fact he will be getting his sentencing for violation of probation for drugs as I type this. While this drug problem took place my mom was a victim of domestic violence and had her back broken by her husband, which I witnessed. That's when we moved to good ol' Vegas. I was going into the 5th grade when we moved and have been here ever since. I changed schools frequently through out middle school and highschool for several reasons which include; moving, getting kicked out of a magnet program due to my absences, doing poorly with grades, ect. In high school, even though I was not interested academically, I was socially. I was a cheerleader every year except for Junior year starting 8th grade. I graduated my favorite year of school in Boulder City where I lived with my best friend, Bailey and her family. That was the year I fell in love with my first boy, Chris Brown. Growing up my mother and I did not get along at all. My mom suffers from bi-polar disorder and had no medication until recently. It was a rough living situation for me and my mother and got extremely heated at times. I moved out on my own immediately after graduation and haven't been back since. After moving out I met a guy, steven foster, who was married. I fell in love. Big mistake. I got pregnant and everything seemed rosey until I woke up. He broke up with me and married someone else 10 months later. This was nothing short of devestating. I was then 21 moving into low income apartments with my daughter. I must say though, even though the relationship aspect of Ashlynn's ( my daughter) father was shitty, I could not have gotten luckier with the Dad that he turned out to be. He helps me out tremendously in every aspect. For that I am thankful.

I now am living in the same apartments with a job that I love and a crazy two year old who has totally stolen my heart. I always knew I was going to be a young mom, but I didn't plan on being single. I must say though I am proud that I have done it thus far. I have had my fair share of melt downs....not gonna lie there were SEVERAL, but I have made it. I do know one thing for sure...I would not have made it without my longtime friends Bailey( friends since freshman year), Lacey( friends since 7th grade) , Brianna( friends since 7th grade ) , my mom, Hailey (my cousin) & Amanda ( friends since 2006). They are my back bones. I'm a mess and they all know it and love me anyways.

Anyways, now you know me. I hope I have given you enough background information to understand in the future why I do the things I do and maybe to understand Kelsie a little bit more. I'm still learning about Kelsie everyday.