Excuse me while I eat my feelings...

What a weird weekend it's been. We got such promising news last Thursday. My HCG was at a 6 so we couldn't confirm pregnancy but the fact that it was higher than a 5, gave great hope. I was ordered to do another blood draw Monday (today) and that would "confirm" the pregnancy if the HCG levels were higher this time. 

Today I went, results were delivered and it was negative. Wait, what? Yep, my thoughts exactly. I totally thought I was pregnant, that this time would be a success. 

Initial reaction: omg. I'm going to have to tell the parents. Although that's not technically my responsibility the mom wrote me this morning knowing I would get the results before her. At that time I hadn't gotten them yet but we were very excited and I think we were both confident. 

Here comes the guilt. Why didn't it work? What did I do wrong? I carried two babies perfectly and easily got pregnant. Why can't I do this for them? What are they going to think. Oh my god their hearts are going to break. I can't handle that. This is my fault. 

Eat all the Ben and Jerrys. In the midst of feeling guilt, relief (not that I'm pregnant but that this wave of emotions will be the last wave), nervous to talk to the mom, and whatever else my brain is conjuring up, I went to the corner store, ate my final pint, yes pint, of Ben and Jerrys, took a long hot shower and put my fuzzy robe on. 

This journey is over. I'm so sad that I didn't get to play out this dream of carrying her baby. I made up this fairytale in my head and reality has set in. I have no choice but to pray for the hearts of the family when they wake up and find out their dreams are too crushed. Please join me in sending out prayers, positive thoughts or whatever you believe in to heal their hurt. 

Embryo transfer, round 2.

I've been avoiding this post. Not because I was hiding from some deep dark secret or because I didn't fee like it. I was avoiding it because I wasn't exactly sure how I was feeling about going into round two of surrogacy. 

Rewind back to when I found out I'm not pregnant. It was a pretty good wait to decide on both me and the intended parents on wether we would try again. I was feeling nervous because I'm struggling with all the weight I have gained. Silly thing to worry about in the grand scheme of what we are trying to do here, but it's something I was having a really hard time with. So, they come back and they are ready to try again. This time, they will try to grow the embryo 5 days more before inserting it into my uterus. If the embryo survived that 5 day growth, then that is a good sign and we will move forward. Well, it did. So here I am, on a plane again, headed to San Diego with my husband for the second and last trial for this family. More meds were taken and tons more blood work. New medicines were tried in hopes to give the family just a little better chance. 

In the meantime, I'm finally excited again but still totally petrified. I'm gonna be massive. I'm heavier now than I have been since Charlie was born. I have no choice than to focus on clean eating this entire pregnancy, if I get pregnant. If not, then it's time to loose this fluff from my extreme eating habits that I can't blame completely on the hormones because lord knows I've been eating like Shallow Hal's girlfriend. I literally ate a tub of Ben and jerrys yesterday just because I knew it was my last pint for a long time. I'm pathetic. 

So, for now, I'll leave you with the waiting game and the news again 6 days from today. 👶🏽👶🏻👶