Excuse me while I eat my feelings...

What a weird weekend it's been. We got such promising news last Thursday. My HCG was at a 6 so we couldn't confirm pregnancy but the fact that it was higher than a 5, gave great hope. I was ordered to do another blood draw Monday (today) and that would "confirm" the pregnancy if the HCG levels were higher this time. 

Today I went, results were delivered and it was negative. Wait, what? Yep, my thoughts exactly. I totally thought I was pregnant, that this time would be a success. 

Initial reaction: omg. I'm going to have to tell the parents. Although that's not technically my responsibility the mom wrote me this morning knowing I would get the results before her. At that time I hadn't gotten them yet but we were very excited and I think we were both confident. 

Here comes the guilt. Why didn't it work? What did I do wrong? I carried two babies perfectly and easily got pregnant. Why can't I do this for them? What are they going to think. Oh my god their hearts are going to break. I can't handle that. This is my fault. 

Eat all the Ben and Jerrys. In the midst of feeling guilt, relief (not that I'm pregnant but that this wave of emotions will be the last wave), nervous to talk to the mom, and whatever else my brain is conjuring up, I went to the corner store, ate my final pint, yes pint, of Ben and Jerrys, took a long hot shower and put my fuzzy robe on. 

This journey is over. I'm so sad that I didn't get to play out this dream of carrying her baby. I made up this fairytale in my head and reality has set in. I have no choice but to pray for the hearts of the family when they wake up and find out their dreams are too crushed. Please join me in sending out prayers, positive thoughts or whatever you believe in to heal their hurt. 

Embryo transfer, round 2.

I've been avoiding this post. Not because I was hiding from some deep dark secret or because I didn't fee like it. I was avoiding it because I wasn't exactly sure how I was feeling about going into round two of surrogacy. 

Rewind back to when I found out I'm not pregnant. It was a pretty good wait to decide on both me and the intended parents on wether we would try again. I was feeling nervous because I'm struggling with all the weight I have gained. Silly thing to worry about in the grand scheme of what we are trying to do here, but it's something I was having a really hard time with. So, they come back and they are ready to try again. This time, they will try to grow the embryo 5 days more before inserting it into my uterus. If the embryo survived that 5 day growth, then that is a good sign and we will move forward. Well, it did. So here I am, on a plane again, headed to San Diego with my husband for the second and last trial for this family. More meds were taken and tons more blood work. New medicines were tried in hopes to give the family just a little better chance. 

In the meantime, I'm finally excited again but still totally petrified. I'm gonna be massive. I'm heavier now than I have been since Charlie was born. I have no choice than to focus on clean eating this entire pregnancy, if I get pregnant. If not, then it's time to loose this fluff from my extreme eating habits that I can't blame completely on the hormones because lord knows I've been eating like Shallow Hal's girlfriend. I literally ate a tub of Ben and jerrys yesterday just because I knew it was my last pint for a long time. I'm pathetic. 

So, for now, I'll leave you with the waiting game and the news again 6 days from today. 👶🏽👶🏻👶

Negative.

I've been having so many symptoms that I had in early pregnancy with both the girls. My breast are aching, I'm uber tired and lots of tears. I knew all could be related to the medications I'm still on, but it was in the back of my head that I totally could be pregnant with her baby. 

Today I drove to Napa, the nearest LabCorp and took a blood test. My HCG level was less than one so that means I am not pregnant and their little egg didn't stick. I feel SO bad for them. They were so hopeful. I feel a tad bit like I failed them. She said so many times that she knows I'm going to be the one to give them the baby they want. My heart breaks for them. 

I will be waiting around for word on my next steps. For now, I'm happy to be off the medicines and let what is going to happen next, happen. 

The Transfer.

Let's flash back 38 hours. Four in the morning came really quick and I was so nervous/excited and all the feelings that it being 4 in the morning didn't matter at all. I got ready and headed to the airport and it was smooth sailing, or should I say flying into San Diego. My husband wasn't able to accompany me as planned so thankfully by childhood best friend flew in from Las Vegas to be with me. Her plane didn't arrive at the same time so I hung out at the airport waiting for her for almost two hours. Again, I didn't hate this because they had Einstein Bagels and that picture above tells it all. Also, I got to watch the first episode of "making a murderer" on Netflix and I didn't hate that either. 

Lacey arrived and we headed to the hotel for check-in. After check in we went to grab lunch at a Thai restaurant called Mint in downtown S.D. It was perfect and cheap! Time must have flown because it was time to go get this transfer done by then end of lunch. Jumped in another uber in a Prius of course because basically all drivers for Uber drive a Prius. We got to the fertilitally clinic about 30 minutes early and I was totally filled with nerves. This is where Lacey steps in. She's pretty good at recognizing my feelings and she totally turned this waiting game into a giggle fest. When they had me come back, they had me change into a hospital gown and shoe covers and a hair cover. I looked like I was going into surgery. Here is a lovely picture to give you a good laugh. 

I look fab huh? 

Anyways, they call me into a room and have me lay down and the doctor explains to me that he will be walking me through all parts of the procedure. I was pretty thankful for this. I read online it was going to be just like a pap so I wasn't too concerned about pain at all. They put a speculum in my vag (yes vag) and then cleaned my cervix. If that's TMI do not read on. After that, they put a internal ultrasound in my vag and scanned for uterus to make sure all is good and clear. Then they put a catheter into my cervix, so tiny I literally felt nothing. I watched he entire thing on the ultrasound. Once the placement was perfect they called the embryologist who then showed me the embryo on another screen in the room and then took it off the screen to retrieve it into a needle. They brought the needle into my room and inserted the embryo into my uterus via the catheter. Once we saw it go int my uterus, they pulled out the catheter and then the speculum. Then, it was completely over. I laid there for 10 minutes and then they moved me to a "recovery chair" and by moving me I mean I got up and walked out of the procedure room and sat in the recovery chair where Lacey was hanging out. Then a ton of more giggle while they took my blood and gave me a shot of HCG. I was extra silly. I'm pretty sure Lacey and I gave those nurses an experience they don't normally have. 

Back into a Prius and to our hotel we went. ROOM SERVICE! Woo hoo! We ordered twice. Chips and guacamole for post recovery snack and then a late night pizza because why not? Dane would kill me if he knew we ordered a cheese pizza. He believes a pizza with no toppings is a crime or something. 

I felt totally normal after the transfer. There are no symptoms or anything weird. That night, I slept like a damn baby. 

Today, we woke up and ate breakfast in bed. I can't even tell you how much room service was but it was rediculous but so worth it. The hash browns were unreal. Seriously. Then we did our make up in bed and got all dressed and packed up for the day. Check out was at 1 so we had tons of time to kill before true flight . We played tourist in gas lamp and got a huge ice cream sundae, the size of Lacey's head. 

We also played photo shoot and I realized I'm so damn awkward. Lacey has this crap down, me I'm like the awkward friend. 

So after we totally took advantage of our phone camera timer, we went to the mall. I bought myself some new Nikes with my Christmas money. I'm stage 5 obsessed. 

After the mall is where things get weird..... 

We ordered an Uber to get us back to hotel to grab our bags before heading to the airport. The uber seemed to be circling the block and I am not sure if you have been following the San Diego weather but it was raining something fierce, so naturally I cancelled my Uber and jumped in this taxi that was sitting right in front of us. The first thing the driver says to us was "how's the baby?". I was terribly confused, concerned, speechless. How did he know I had Charlie at home? I proceeded with "she's fine, how did you know I have a baby?" and he returned with "because you're pregnant." Ummmmmmmm, wait what?!? I pause trying to figure this new conundrum out and he responds again with "right?". Me and Lacey looked at each other and didn't really know what to tell him. I just ended the conversation with "maybe" and he says "I'm sorry." Did he think I looked pregnant, did he KNOW I was pregnant. Was he some freaking psychic??? What the heck just happened. We got out of the taxi and I asked a random stranger woman to be brutal with me and tell me if I looked pregnant. She looked me up and down and said my shirt wasn't fitted but I don't look pregnant. She seemed brutal so I'm figuring she told me the truth and of course Lacey swears to God there was no way he thought I was pregnant by looking pregnant. The whole thing was so crazy. 

So, in 6 days I will get a blood test to see if this crazy taxi man was right or if I need to stop eating ice cream. 

Documents, signatures and meds.

It's officially official. Twenty six pages of initials and agreements. The contract is done and on its ways to my lawyers. The document is full of understanding that I am not the legal parent and have no intentions for parental rights after birth. It's covers payments, insurance, and basically anything and everything. With that being said, we final have legal clearance and we are all set for the transfer JANUARY 5th! 

The date is officially official. Yesterday I got stabbed again to check my hormone levels at LabCorp and then I drove all the way to San Fran area (hours drive) to get a 5 minute long ultrasound to make sure my uterus is thickening like it is supposed to. 

Side note- I learned a lot about my overies and how cysts form during ovulation. Totally weird. 

Anyways, as I'm typing away my door bell just rang and it was a welcome kit from Central Coast Surrogacy. It was stuffed with lots of goodies like a pill organizer, THANK GOD, pregnancy tests, journal, chocolate, and the good ol lucky socks! Whoop whoop! 

So with only 6 days until the big transfer, we are all set to go. Lots more stabbings and ultrasounds ahead, a little more queezys from the meds and a lot of bit of crazies (me). 

Lemmie Lemmie update ya....

Why haven't I written in so long? Well, let me tell ya. 

After flying down to San Diego for the pre screening, a quick date for the transfer was set for December and then unset. With doing a quick transfer came the possibility of me getting pregnant with my own baby because the doctors didn't have enough time to get me on birth control. Totally understandable. Also, with the transfer being in December, it would have landed the week before final exams and stress is just not something you want to throw into the mix while trying to conceive someone else's baby. 

Then came a waiting period to start the meds all over. When my "shark week", as I call it, came back the process began again. Back on estrogen medicine, which by the way make me pretty moody/emotional. I've been crying a lot. Even music makes me cry. I will take a blood test tomorrow that tells my doctors what my levels are and then I start another medicine that makes me at an optimal state for the transfer, set JANUARY 4,5 or 6th!!! Crazy right? So, in the mean time lets all be super excited that I'm crazy emotional and should be pregnant before my 29th birthday on January 10th. 

Want to know something cool? The embryo, once implanted, is already like already developed as much as a 4 week old embryo! Pretty stinkin cool if you ask me! 

If you or anyone you know is interested in surrogacy, please contract central coast surrogacy. Danielle is absolutely amazing. Tell her I sent you! 

Getting Clearence

So, it's been a long couple weeks. I've been waiting in limbo to hear that my medical records have been received and that we are moving forward. I'll spare you all the boring details and skip to the crazy part....

Tomorrow I fly to San Diego to a fertility clinic where the little embryos are waiting for implantation. My first appointment is tomorrow and I feel like I know very little about what's going to happen. I leave at 6am on a flight and have a 10am appointment where they will make sure I'm im optimal condition for an embryo transplant. That's the jest of it I guess. I can't wait to ask them a million questions, which I should totally wrote down because let's face it, I can't remember what I had for breakfast today. 

My questions so far: 

1.) when am I getting pregnant? 

2.) how many eggs will you be transplanting? 

3.) am I crazy for doing this? (I'm not really going to ask this) 

4.) am I going to have to get this tiny embryo placed in my uterus during finals week? 

Pretty easy questions right? 

So I will keep you posted on how tomorrow goes and the answers to all my previous questions. 

For now I want to touch on a completely different subject. Let's discuss the question that I have heard so many times. "Isn't it going to be hard to give up the/your baby". The answer is yes and no. First, let me re-clarify that this baby is in no way, shape or form mine. I'm it's nest, babysitter and caregiver for a 10 month span. Will I grow a bond with this tiny human? Of course. I have bonds with all that are a part of my life but that doesn't mean I'm going to have some heart wrenching seperation. I know what I'm getting into and I'm so very prepared for what is ahead of me. I keep up with the mother and I'm learning so much about them and I'm positive that the joy the intended parents have will tremendously overshadow any "goodbye" that will occur. Let me also let you know of my plans. I will discuss with the mother that when the baby is born I want them to place the baby on her just as if she delivered her own child. That means her preferences completely but not on me at all. This cuts out that extremely emotionally connecting moment (that for me was the big moment). Lastly, stop looking at this like it's an adoption. It's not. Am I really some monster because I can hand over a child I carried for them. I would like to think I'm not a monster, just different. Surrogacy is obviously not for everyone but I'm pretty sure I can handle this. I don't expect this process to be breezy and I expect to have some emotions on the day of he birth but I expect them to all be positive so stop killing my vibe y'all.