Single Mother

Although being a mother is amazing and I wouldn't trade it in for the world, there are times that I am left in my room sobbing. Last night was one of these nights. It is embarrassing to say that a 2 year old can hurt my feelings but Ashlynn is my child and I am sensative to our relationship.

As it sometimes happens, living in a split household, Ashlynn wasn't having it being at "Mommy's" house last night. Every so ofter when I pick her up from school she is dissapointed by the fact that I am not her dad. Most of the time it only lasts a minute or two and we get to my house and everything is fine. Yesterday Ashlynn was really wanting to be with her dad and the tears remained for hours. I finally gave in and drove her to her dads work to spend an hour with him while I ran to Target. When I picked her back up she was extremely upset and proceeded to tell me she doesn't like Mommy and Mommy is mean. I dont know what I have done to be the mean parent but it hurts my heart to hear my child tell me she would rather be with her Dad. I am doing the best I can do to be a parent and it really digs deep when she tells me things like this. I know she is a toddler but its something I never want to hear from someone I love so much. What sucks even more is that I understand why she likes her dads more. When he is with her it's fun time vs. my house is time for dinner bath and bed time. ( He has her on his days off and I have her during the week.) I am glad Ashlynn has this relationship with her father but it's probably something I will never understand due to the lack of relationship I have had with my own father. The only thing I can give Ashlynn is love the way I know how to give her love and I will continue on giving her love until the day I die.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

How strange that everything is going so well still. I read back on my blog and saw that I wrote that everything is going well and I hoped it lasted...well it has. I have had a couple bumps in the road, like my roomate bailing out on me and the never ending battle with money, but I am pressing on and life is good. How strange that Dane and the boys will be home in 10 weeks from Monday. Life in general is so much busier when they are home and it is much more exciting. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the boy. It either happens or it doesn't and either way it will be fine (at least this is what I try and tell myself). I am still getting remarks about me waiting for him. I understand everyone has an opinion of their own, trust me I am the queen of giving my opinion, but obviously its not making a difference so you would think they would drop it by now. Not ONE of my friends can say they have never done something that sounded crazy to everyone else but made sense to them. I wish they would understand that I am a grown woman and have lived enough to know what makes me happy and what the best decisions for that happiness are.

My dad is out of prison and so far so good. He is establishing his life and his relationships. He has made mends with my little sister, Mickaella's, mom. He bought a truck from my uncle and will be getting an apartment soon. He is making me nervous by seeing Nina, his ex. She is toxic. They had the most unhealthy relationship, in more ways than one. I will hopefully be visiting him soon. I need to see him and overwhelm him with love so he knows what he will be missing if he falls back to drugs. He made a point the other day to tell me I dont know him at all, and truth is I dont. Even though I spent every summer with him and the family, I never have met my father. I have only met my dad on drugs. I am excited to see this man that everyone speaks so highly of.

Moving is still in the works. I will be living by myself and am looking for places. I can't afford much so it is making looking a little harder but I will find something. I want to sell everything I own and start fresh, I wish that was realistic. Maybe it will be if I play my cards right and stop buying coffee every morning. I need to invest in a coffee maker.

Oh....and I have lost 6lbs.