27 weeks and some change....

Update: Dane is now at his location in Afghanistan. Now let's back up a few days....

A couple days ago, Tuesday I believe, Dane was leaving Texas and on his way to Afghanistan. He text me when he was leaving his base at Texas and promised to give me a call before getting on the second plane from Maine. My feelings at this point were excitment, which lead to guilt. How can I be excited for him to be going somewhere potentially dangerous. My only reasoning behind this excitement was it meant we were one step closer to him coming home. The second that deployment begins, we can start counting down the days. Now that excitement only lasted until his arrival at Maine. I really thought I was going to be ok considering my first feeling was of joy, that's when the tears set it and proved me wrong. Dane's cell phone didn't work in Maine, I was calling him and he was calling me, but nothing. His phone had no dial tone at all. We were, however, able to text. We said our goodbyes and had a short conversation via text message and he was off. I heard from him the next day when he got to the first base where they process in. This time he was on yahoo messenger, messaging my phone ( which comes through like a text). I still hadn't heard his voice in days. When we were writing on messenger not much was said before I am guessing he had to get offline because there wasn't any response.

I spent the next two days, my days off, busy as can be. I put together his first care package including ; football shaped no bake cookies, red velvet and cream cheese frosting stacked cupcakes in mason jars, chocolate chex mix, a new wallet, a card and some things he left behind and needed. This project literally took all day and several trips to the store. You would think by my handy dandy list of all the things i am sending dane (month by month), including recipes, I would have been prepared. Better luck next time I suppose. The next day I spent the day in Indian Springs helping a family member prepare for her wedding. Saturday (yesterday) I was driving to work venting to my cousin about how I hadn't heard from Dane in days and how bothered I was by this. I was telling her about his lack of communication was really upsetting, but how I am trying to understand the best that I can that he is busy. I was also really bothered because I knew that some of the other girls had gotten phone calls but Dane had not even tried. Then I felt that familiar feeling from the last deployment. This is the time where I start to question myself and us. It's almost like my shield from being hurt, if I convince myself that we arn't good then I won't be heartbroken when something goes wrong. Then the next familiar thing happened.... Shorty after getting to work, I logged into my work email and there it was. Dane had emailed my work email as soon as he was off to his designated base and told me he would get ahold of me as soon as he was settled in. He also threw in "I love you and miss you bunches". Relief. I am not sure how it happens but the second doubt crosses my mind, which I am positive is a defense mechanism, I get a phone call from him or an email that I had been waiting on and I am right back where I was in the first place; happy, in love and missing my boyfriend.

Skype date

Oh man, seeing his face was perfect. I was so nervous right before he called me on skype. I haven't seen his face in 2 weeks and it feels like its been months. That hour conversation really brought me back like he hasn't even left. I had been feeling a little down lately so that really did bring me right back up. Dane's face is super scruffy right now and I really like it. I really wish I could have reached through the screen and touched him. He said that skype is really going to make this deployment easier, and he is definitely right.

Aside from Dane being gone, life is good. My cousin just moved here today, so I am pretty excited about that. Work is going great, no complaints there. I am building up my savings which is nice. Ashlynn is cracking me up these days. She told me the other day she is changing her name. So, of course I asked her what she is changing her name to, "PAM!". Yep, my daughter wants to change her name to Pam lol. Where does she come up with this stuff? We also went and saw her first movie...I am not sure if I posted about that yet. I took her to dinner (where she was being a little snot and I had to threaten to not take her to see the smurfs) and then we went to the concessions and got candy and a slurpee. She loved the whole experience. Well, if I didn't, we saw Smurfs and now Ashlynn wants to be Smurfette for Halloween. I think that is pretty awesome but she changes her mind every 5 seconds. Gotta love 3 year olds.

As for my social life, all kinds of things have been going on. I have gained some new friends and lost some old. Life is so strange that way. You think someone is your best friend and then WHAM outta no where they surprise you. I'm pretty bummed to have lost a good friend but hey, what can ya do?

Until later.....

1 week down 30 to go

Is it weird that the fact that we are 1 week down excites me? I can't wait to start sending packages. I am seriously going to master cake pops and all kinds of other goodies. Almost everything I will be sending Dane and the boys this deployment will be found off of pinterest.com. If you have not heard of that magical website, well you can thank me later.

If you are wondering how life outside of Dane is going, well its going fabulous (and I really mean that). Work is so great. I really like my job and can't believe how well it turned out. For those who don't know what I do and have been wondering.....I am a concierge at the Hard Rock. Basically, I book show tickets, dinners, flowers, spas, tours ect. for all the guest staying with us. If you stay at a hotel and don't use your concierge then you are a fool. Okay, well you are not really a fool, you are probably just in the dark on how beneficial we are. If you are unfamiliar with an area or things to do, the concierge is your new best friend.

On an Ashlynn note...we are working on her listening skills. She is struggling, obviously at the age of 3, but we are determined. Two days ago we were walking from the apartment gym to my house and she started to run ahead. I told her a couple times to not get too far so I could see her. Well, she didn't listen. We got upstairs into the apartment and I pointed her into the direction of time out. She stomped to her room, flipped her head around and stuck her tongue out at me. At the time it was not funny at all, I was furious. (keep in mind, she was acting like this ALL day) That little stink won't be doing that again! I took her to a movie that day too. We went on a mother/daughter date. We saw the smurf movie and it was her first experience at the theaters. She did pretty well and now she wants to be a smurf for Halloween. I'm pretty excited about that!

Well I better get to bed....much needed sleep awaits.

Day 3

I woke up feeling ok but as the hours slink by Im feeling more blue. Maybe it's because I won't have Ashlynn tonight and it's my Friday. I dont feel like doing anything and at the same time I want to do something. Seeing "The Help" or maybe go have a drink with my girlfriend....both possibilites but I just feel down. I'm trying to snap out of it but it's not working.

I still get to talk to Dane daily for the next 3 weeks. I know Dane is making a strong effort to keep me feeling happy and it's appriciated more than he knows. Gosh I love him.

I have to reitterate how much I appriciate everyone's love and support. I got such an overwhelming response from my last entry and I couldn't feel more loved. I know Dane is thankful as well, probably because he know's how much I need everyone right now.

On a side note....work at the Hard Rock is going great. I love my job and was made for this position. I am doing well and making great money. No complaints here. I cut Ashlynn's hair like Suri Cruise last week and have gotten mixed responses. Hair grows back so I am not worried. I think its super cute. Ashlynn is such a joy in my life and really is helping me cope with missing Dane. She is so funny lately, well always really but extra funny lately. She is really into Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Cracks me up when she sings the words and gets all into it. If I knew how to post a video on here I would. She also had a ceremony yesterday with her and her babysitter for her marriage to Casper the friendly ghost. What a nerd.

Thats my rambling for the day. Thanks for reading.

Dane's Deployment Day 1

This last week has been a ball of emotions for me. I went through some extreme highs and extreme lows, only to find out all the other women were experiencing the same things.

Dane left for his deployment to Afghanistan today. He won't be over seas for 3 more weeks, but I won't see him for 7 months. Right now he is at a base in Texas, training to prepare for the "desert". It's kind of frustrating that he has to go to CST (what the training is called). This is his 4th deployment and has to take that training every time. It doesn't seem logical that he has only been home for 11 months and they are sending him to training every time. Waste of tax dollars if you ask me.

Well anyways, last night after I got off work at 8pm, I went straight to Dane's house to spend the last few hours with him before having to wake up at 330am. The evening was spent with lots of tears, snuggling and reassuring words. I am not sure what time I fell asleep but I will never forget one of the last things he said to me last night, "I'm missing you already". Dane isn't a very words type of guy, so when he says something like this I know that he means it and it means that much more to me.

This morning I woke up about 430 am and was ready to leave by 5am. I hadn't cried yet and didn't start until we started driving to the base. Once at we got there I was pretty distracted with all the friends and what not to be sad. My eyes teared up every once and a while but I was doing pretty good. Every time I thought they were about to leave I would get this terrible feeling in my gut, like I needed to vomit. When it finally came time, 3 hours later, I lost it. I buried by face in his chest and cried as he kissed my head. They began roll call and I didn't move from my burrow in his chest. "Kolter" was called and that was it. One final short kiss and he was gone. I stood there for a minute while the rest of the names were called. I am not sure why I did that but I did and then walked to Dane's truck and drove it to his house. Of course I cried the whole way home and Dane knows me too well because he sent me a text saying "Just breathe". It helped a little but it was too late, I was already sad and lonely.

I miss Dane already. He has only been gone for 11 hours and I am miserable. I know things will get better with time and I will get "used" to it but for now I am aching. I am going to try and keep this as updated as last time. I really enjoyed going back and reading how I felt the last time he left. I know that sounds weird but I did. I am so thankful as well that I have so many supportive people in my life. I definitely wouldn't make it through this without you. For now....my plan is to stay in bed. I am not up for doing anything at all. 219 days and counting.....

Day -13

It’s that time again, the time where I have to say goodbye. I decided I will go by what day it is this time. Today is -13 because he hasn’t deployed yet, but will in 13 days. This time is going to be much harder. Just thinking about it creates this immense empty feeling. I don’t know what I am going to do without him. When the weekends come and he is gone I am not sure what I will do with myself, new hobbies maybe? It’s so funny reading back on my blog and reading what I wrote while he was gone last time. We were in the awkward stage last time, where you aren’t sure what your relationship is or where it will go. He came home last time and things were alright. It was a little weird at first and progressed very slowly. Our entire relationship has been slow and steady but I believe that was for the better and has made it what it is today. Today I know I love him and he loves me. We are good and only getting better. Most relationships are opposite. They have that honeymoon phase and regress. Our relationship has been so much of the opposite. We have learned so much about each other and have grown into a healthy loving relationship. We have both made changes in ourselves and has really worked well in bettering what we have. When Dane comes home, we will be moving in together! How exciting! Well…I will keep you posted. Be prepared for an emotional Kelsie Rollercoaster. This is going to be a crazy one, but well worth it. He is VERY worth it.

Flashy kinda day....

Today I slept in until about 11 am. I normally sleep at Dane's house on Sundays and he just leaves me at his house when he leaves for work. I love that moment when he leaves, not because he is leaving but because he is so sweet. He always kisses me, ever so gently just to wake me up to say goodbye. Well, after I woke up this morning I came back home to do a few things and then got some outfits ready for Ashlynn and headed out to go pick her up from school. When I picked her up we went to Carolyn's to pick her up because she was generous enough to take Ashlynn's pictures for me. She is really good at it and I know she is going to go somewhere with this if she keeps up on it. I can't wait to share the photos with you all. She also photographed our friend Brittany too. I went through all the photos on the drive home and I was very impressed.

On a catch up note...I haven't started working yet. This is by far the longest process ever. I am praying for the week. It's crazy but the longer I am not working, the more I don't want to again. Maybe that isn't crazy? It's going to be so hard to snap back into the work force.

Oh! and on another good note...Dane and I started looking for houses. He plans on buying one when he comes home but if we find one soon, he might just get one before he deploys in September. I will be able to move in and get it all cute and cozy before he comes home and we can begin a new chapter in our relationship together. EXCITING!

Unemployed Vacation

I got laid off. Not much to the story, other than new management cutting heads. It was nothing short of devestating. My first reaction was panic. I cried for a good 30 minutes while they explained the lay off procedure and went over all the paper work. It almost sounded like they were under water, all i could hear was my own thoughts. Luckily, I had a very large support system with the company. My boss, Julie, sent out an email to all that she knew seeking a new job for me. I was laid off on Friday and that very next Thursday I was hired at the Hard Rock. THANK GOD. I seriously can not thank Julie enough for helping me.
Although I got hired that Thursday, I still haven't started yet. I am waiting on a call from HR to start the process of drug test and background check. I called to check in last Friday because it was one week since they hired me and still no phone call but they assured me I have the position, it's just a long, slow process.
So, while I have been enjoying this mini, what only I can call vacation, I have been pretty busy. I have cleaned (a lot), shopped for interview clothes, interviewed, shopped again for a dress and then attended Dane's ALS (Airman Leadership School) graduation. It was such an educating experience. I asked questions the entire duration on the ceremony. I was also very proud of Dane. It was a long, time consuming 5 week course and he passed with flying colors. Yay him!

This week I have nothing to do. I haven't taken Ashlynn to pre-school because I just want to spend time with her and stay home. It also helps saving some gas in the car since her school is on the opposite side of town.
Ashlynn update: She shocks me everyday. She is so full of personality, brains and beauty that I really am in for trouble in her teen years. She can now easily identify 15 letter of the alphabet by sound and name (out of order). She is constantly sounding out the first letter of words. She is also quite the little fish in her swim class. She should be moving up in classes very soon! We are also working on cleaning up after ourselves. It is still a work in progress.

That's about it....I will catch you up again shortly.

Swim Lessons

Ashlynn started swim lessons this Saturday. It was very cute. I signed her up with a good friend's daughter Lily. Lily and Ashlynn have been best friends since they were infants.
Ashlynn normally isn't too fond of the swimming deal. She seems to scared or maybe it's just the going under the water that she is scared of. I really wanted Ash to enjoy the pool this summer since I figured we will spend a lot of our time there with our friends, so I needed her to feel comfortable with the water. She did such a good job. I was so proud watching my baby concur her fears and not only that but really enjoy herself.
I wasn't looking forward to pulling myself out of bed that morning, being sick and all, but the joy in her face really made my day. I forget sometimes that something as simple as swim lessons can really light up her life.

Moments.

Bailey and Dustin's engagment party was this weekend. I came over mid morning with Ashlynn to help set up. I made some floral centerpieces made from mason jars and yellow flowers. We put together the pub style tables covered them in white linens and tied big satin bows around the middle. We also spent some of our morning getting crafty with their engagment pictures, decorating them with scrapbooking papers and glueing paper flowers to them. Ashlynn of course needed to glue too so she spent her art time gluing scrap papers to eachother. I was very proud of the finished product.

I came back to Baileys at 4:30 to help curl her hair and start the party. She looked beautiful, it was like she was glowing. Ashlynn was dressed in her spring outfit and making friends with anyone who would pay her attention. She is definately a crowd pleaser. I also had a highschool friend come photograph the event for Bailey. The night was great and full of laughter. I should have given a toast but I didn't want to cry. My speech will be saved for the wedding. I will only have the strength to say it one time.

That night ended in tears for me but tears well spent. Dane and I finally had a blow out. It may have been alcohol induced but I think in the morning it brought us closer. Every couple will have their fights, but how those fights play out is what defines your relationship I believe. This fight made us stronger. I love Dane Kolter. He is everything to me and no longer can picture my life without him.

Antsy.

I normally have a big agenda, somthing planned, something going on. I dont have any of those things right now and it makes me antsy. I like to have stuff going on, look forward to. I'm craving a road trip or hiking. The weather is amazing and I just want to go somewhere, anywhere. I wanna drive with my windows down and feel the enjoyable warmth before the african weather hits. I talked about my urge to do something with Dane and he says we aren't on the same adventure schedule. haha. I will be adventerous with my girlfriends. I miss them anyways so it will be nice to do something with them, even though I still want Dane to come too.

Did I tell you we've (Dane and I) been talking about moving in together when he buys a house next year? I know it's far out but it's still exciting. This will be after another deployment, another 7 months, so it will be nice to have him with me everynight. I love sleeping with him. I have never felt such a calm falling asleep on someone chest, the way I do with him. He is warm and muscular and its almost like we fit together, like a puzzle. Sometimes he will twitch in his sleep and randomly punch me or somthing but no big deal.

My mother and I are still not talking, its been over a week. I dont know what she wants from me. How can you ask someone to excuse years of mistreatment, and not return the favor? I am not perfect and I don't talk to her like I should but I know this. I don't try to disrespect but its hard to break years of habit. It's especially hard to go through a bi-polar episode and then not get frustrated. I have to excuse this because its a medical condition but I get no excuses of being on the other end of the episodes. I hate when she tells me when have no relationship, or that I hate her. I hate when anyone tells me how I feel, especially when they just pulled that out of their ass to be hateful. We were doing so good and then there was a situation and it got really bad very fast between us. Its exhausting so I have become numb to it, which makes me the "ice queen". I know it won't last forever, we will be good again sometime but I hope she's not waiting on an apology because thats not something I can give.

Epiphany

"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."
Let me begin with saying that there are several things incorrect about this statement. The one who is worth your tears WILL make you cry. In fact, you will probably cry often. This is because relationships are not perfect. This leads me to the second issue. Because of statements like these, women today seek perfection. They look for the guy who they don't fight with and it's never hard. This person doesn't exist. Relationships are not easy and they have never been easy. You can look at generation to generations of people from your parents to your grandparents and I am positive they have been through stuff. Sticky, ugly stuff and have made it through. This leads to my 3rd discovery. Seeking perfection has caused our generation to accept relationship failure far too easy. It gets hard and people bounce. Which I am guessing is why there are so many divorces now a days. I wish it was the days where divorce was frowned upon. People actually had to WORK on their relationship, forgive one another, and accept that neither are perfect and issues will arrise. So ladies, do yourself a favor. Stop looking for perfection, he is not out there and I can guarentee that you are not perfect either. Accept that there will be fights and that sometimes times might be hard. The fact is those hard times only make your relationship stronger so by walking out at those hard times because he isn't Mr. perfect is only hurting yourself.

Brianhead

We, and when I say we I mean 28 people, had a cabin in Brianhead for the weekend last weekend. The weekend was a massive birthday celebration. The weekend turned out very eventful, as always. The cabin was full of 3 clicks of people, which was probably a mistake. Lesson learned but it was still a great time.
The first night was this big night, which always happens. We were so excited to be there and party that we all got crazy. For some reason I cant recall what hap pend that night right now, I'm drawing a blank? Lots of drinking. The next morning I woke up not remembering why my hair was wet and how I got to bed. Dane took care of me the night before when he found me in the shower with the water running sleeping on the floor. He put me to bed. He is good to me. I felt like crap this morning and was awaken by Brianna checking to make sure we were still going snowboarding. I assured her we would meet her at the mountain. Dane and I got ready slowly and made our way to the slopes with all the other beginners (Dane had never been snowboarding). Somehow I was the one that got injured. We have the whole wreck on video, me slamming my head against the ice and everyone laughing. Good times. I'm still feeling the after effects. I was done after this and that was my first run. We ate at this pizza joint and went home. I laid in bed in pain for a while and then made my way back out of our room to socialized I played 12 rounds of Mexican train game and tongjena ( Jenga with your tongue and lips) with Brianna and her friends before I joined my other click. We got drunk and went to bed again. The weekend was good and I didn't want to come home. On our way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel, the same as the drive out there. I wish we had one in Vegas but I think it makes it that much better that its not something we can have all the time. Dane drove me and John home as we passed out on the drive home. Dane and I spent the rest of Sunday relaxing and watching videos and going through pictures, finishing out the day with a movie. <3

Word Vomit

It happend, I totally had vomit of the mouth...

On the weekend before my birthday, we all went out to Stoney's Country Bar to celebrate. I got extremely intoxicated and without warning I blurted it out. I have been arguing with myself for weeks on my feelings. I told myself that this is something I will wait for him to say first and felt firm about this decision. I don't know what came over me, I wish I could remember the entire conversation after I blurted it but I definitely remember the word vomit. " I just freaking love you" came flooding out of my mouth half way through the night. It didn't end up being the most romantic story since if was followed by drunken tears and literal vomit but I finally told him. He said it back too. <3
Dane and I get better everyday. He really levels me out and handles me very well. We share alot of the same opinions and goals. We laugh and have fun when we are doing absolutely nothing. We are taking things slow and that's refreshing. It makes everything seem so much more adult and real. I really do love him.

This coming weekend we are going on a cabin trip to Brianhead for snowboarding and partying. There will be 28 people in the cabin. It will be madness indeed. The weekend after that I am taking him home to meet the Pugmire family. I will be sure to update you on that.